Last night I sat and watched episode after episode after episode of
Ruby on The Style Network on Foxtel. At first, I hated this woman (well, hate is such a strong word..). But now, I love her. I can see so much of myself in her, in the things she deals with. One episode I watched, Ruby sat down with her Dr's who basically told her, lose weight or die.
Only 2 months ago, I had a a tonne of blood work done. I had tried so many times unsuccessfully to lose weight, so I went to the Doctors to ask for help. The Dr's took about a billion vials of blood, and when the results came back, they were less than great.
Borderline Diabetic - because of my weight, my pancreas is about to self destruct. Truncal obesity. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. High cholesterol. You name it, I have it.
The Dr wanted me to go on the pill to help regulate my cycles, but said I couldn't risk putting on more weight. He talked about Metformin to help regulate my sugars, but wanted me to try diet and exercise first. He told me to only eat things that came out of the ground. No starchy carbs, no sugars, everything low GI where possible.
I went back for a weigh in and check up last week, and I'd put on 2 kgs. I walked out of there with a script for Metformin but haven't brought myself to take it yet, from what I've heard, the side effects are awful.
So, while I sat and watched these Dr's on tv tell Ruby that should she develop diabetes, she's looking down the barrel of kidney failure, blindness, etc etc and the penny FINALLY dropped.
This could be me. This is me.
Okay, so I'm not 500lbs like her. But I am overweight. I am obese. I am desperately unhappy and angry with myself, for letting it get to this point.
Last week I went shopping for clothes for myself as a Xmas present from my Mother. I bought a pair of shorts and a pair of pants in a size larger than I would normally take. When I got them home I tried them on. And they were too small. Way too small. I went back and bought an even bigger size but haven't tried them on, in case they don't fit either.
The shame.
I don't recognise myself any more.
I chopped all my hair off a few weeks ago, in a style I had all the time when I was younger (and thinner) but it doesn't suit me anymore because my face is too chubby for it now.
I couldn't tell you how much money gets spent every week on junk food in this house. It's disgusting. And what's worse, I don't even particularly like the taste of it..I just want it.
Who lives like this?
I decided last night, in front of my tv, that this is it.
I did 98 minutes on the wii, before promptly tripping over it and I *think* breaking 2 toes. The pain is huge, they're black and swollen. How ironic.
I have two beautiful children to live for. To be able to run around after.
I want to be able to walk into a clothing store and be able to pick up anything and have a chance of fitting in to it, not searching through the racks looking for the "biggest size they stock". I want to not be the fattest person in a room full of people. I want people to NOT be able to comment on my weight, to not suggest different diets to me, to not say things like "fat people like us..."
And only I can do it.
Life is too short. Life is too good for this.
So here I sit, with a bottle of water in hand, ready to take on today, without the carbs, without the sugar.
I predict I'll be pretty cranky come 3pm.
